Theres an important question that you need to ask the marriage counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential counselor gives.

Its an often-overlooked question that hardly anyone ever talks about. Therapists dont include it in articles they write about how to select a good counselor, so youre unlikely to read about it. Ive never heard of the topic being discussed on the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied subjects.

But the answer to this important question could save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist. Its a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities, and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience.

What is the question I consider so important that it could be the deciding vote in selecting a therapist for marriage counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s): Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?

Then watch the therapists reaction and listen carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the parenthesis:

1. No, Ive never had to go to counseling.

(Never had to go? Do you mean that youre above having to go to counseling? That only people who arent as emotionally stable as you are have to go? How will you even know what its like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the most intimate details about your life?)

2. Yes, I went once for several times when my father died.

(Thats slightly better, but what about all that self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do? Dont you take your own advice?)

3. No.

(Thats odd. Why the one-word answer? Its a logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if youve never been to counseling yourself? Why havent you been? Dont you believe in what youre offering?)

4. I took part in some counseling when I took my courses for my degree.

(You mean you role played with other students in some of your counseling classesthat doesnt count. You werent in a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. Thats totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at your own real issues.)

5. Yes, I have. Ive had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the quality of ones life.

(Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone through the counseling process himself. He wont be just talking about something he has never experienced, and he doesnt sound ashamed that hes had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of himself for making that choice. I like that he practices what he preaches about counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldnt have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.)

Are you surprised to learn that many counselors have never participated in counseling as clients and have never faced their own individual or relationship issues? That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is shocking to think that could happen, but it doesquite often.

Just think about itwould you want to go to a therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken her (or his) own advice? Who hasnt dealt with her own personal past and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes to you? Who doesnt really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting room, and then talk openly to someone youve never seen before?

I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who havent done their own work in counselingeither in individual counseling, relationship or marriage counseling, or both. Theres a saying that you cant take other people any further than youve been yourself.

Thats certainly true when it comes to counseling. The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrainnot from only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues all tangled up in his own unresolved issuessomething personal counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively.

So before you sign on with a marriage counselor, ask the important question--Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?and be sure that the counselor you select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand.