After the wedding I thought transitioning into married life was the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my personal life. I had never lived with a man before and nothing could have prepared me for the treatment I would succumb to over the next 12 years. I endured an array of verbal abuse ranging from the color of my hair (which was the same since the day he married me) to my apparent lack of intelligence. The degree of physical abuse was minimal but unforgivable and strangely he was most hurtful when he was sober, because then I knew he was aware of what he was saying and really meant it; though the details of the marriage dont really matter.

What I was even more unprepared for was the divorce. It was a long time coming and beforehand I told myself I would take it in stride and never let myself miss him. To my surprise I had no problems holding up that promise to myself and early on found that I quite liked the fact that I could do whatever I wanted for dinner without being ridiculed about my culinary skills, or wear whatever my heart desired without being called tramp-y for showing some leg. And who would imagine that I, the one who has the intellect of a can of soup, could get a decent job?! I dont think anyone would disagree that its pretty easy to adjust to living in a peaceful home after years of walking on eggshells.

So what was I so unprepared for? Wheres the tragedy to the story? Upon the finalization of my divorce my battle became a financial one and as many of us know that can rapidly turn into an emotional battle as well. Though while we were together money was never brought to my attention as a problem I soon found all the secrets he was keeping from me. Its not that he ever even lied to me about money, he just kept it all in the closet. I discovered a huge outstanding balance on a loan he told me had been paid off years before and had since been unpaid between the time he moved out and the divorce finalization (about two months).

It got a little more serious after they repossessed the car he had bought me (also supposedly paid off) and of course, it was under my name. Though I tried to remain as apathetic towards him as possible every time I found another credit card bill he was sticking me with I wanted to dislodge his tonsils with a spoon and yell at him How could YOU be so stupid? How could you not have told me we were in such bad debt, especially after all those times I told you I wanted to get job and could have saved us this heartache? That was what I was most in awe of, his deception. Of course hindsight is 20/20 so no wonder he never let me help out by paying the bills or have access to his accounts.

Long story short, I was eventually forced to move from my home (yes, the one I had planned to retire in someday) and I now live in a modest apartment with my niece- though at times Im sure she wishes her roommate was a little more hip. Its been a long road to recovery and theres still plenty of road ahead but Im making headway. I know this story has been retold in too many different renditions to count but I would like to offer my two cents to anyone out there who is on the brink, anyone who finds themselves at the intersection of desperation and alone, there is always someone you can talk to.

To be honest, for me friends and family werent exactly the ones I wanted seeing me in my fits of rage. I didnt just want to talk to someone who cared, or who would help me get through it all. I wanted someone with the real life experience, who had been down where I was at that moment and could talk me off the ledge because they knew exactly how I felt. And I do believe that permitting myself to let strangers see me like that allowed me to carry on a more normal day to day life without hurting my loved ones.

The irony of all it all that I realized only a few years ago: if we hadnt been so in debt, or if he had at least told me and allowed me to help him, would we ever even have split up? Was his anger toward me a repercussion of his worry about finances? I havent spoken to him in years so I dont suppose Ill ever have the chance to ask but now all I can do is encourage all those out there who may be finding themselves between a particular rock and an all too familiar hard spot there are people you can talk to. There are even people you can talk to while maintaining some anonymity! Http://www.lifeaftermarriage.com helped me cope. If not I would still recommend you to find someone you can vent to, they say keeping a journal of your feelings is great therapy but a journal cant offer advice and the occasional response. You just have to the find the right person you want to reach out to.

** story written based off a personal story where the contributor would like to be kept anonymous.