Two years ago my father-in-law had a small stroke. Family members hoped his mental faculties would return, but they did not. The stroke had caused more damage than we thought. Dad became increasingly forgetful, wasn't eating right, and wore dirty clothes. We worried about him constantly.

Before the stroke we tried to get Dad to move to an assisted living community and he refused. After the stroke he still refused, so we had a family meeting. The meeting focused on the benefits of assisted living: utilities, cleaning, linens, meals, transportation, recreation program, and personal safety.

After two hours of "spirited" discussion Dad agreed to move. Assisted living is a housing alternative for older adults who want or need assistance. My father-in-law moved into a community that is owned and operated by Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. It is within walking distance of down town and has an excellent reputation.

Sorting Dad's things took about two months and the steps we followed are below. For more information on assisted living contact the Assisted Living Federation of America, the Consumer Consortium on Assisted Living, the National Center for Assisted Living, the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging, and the American Seniors Housing Association.

As you go about your work keep this thought in mind: Moving a loved one is a labor of love.

1. FIND A COMMUNITY. There may be a community in your town or close by. If there isn't one log onto www.FindAssistedLivingCare.com, a free service that lets you search by state and name. You may also log onto Eldercare Locator, a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services website.

2. VISIT THE COMMUNITY. My father-in-law visited several apartments, the main dining room, corner grocery, and other places in the high rise. Give your loved one a chance to think about the visit before he or she visits it again. You may wish to have a surprise visit to make sure the community is a match for your loved one.

3. TALK WITH RESIDENTS. Because Dad knew many of the residents of the community he knew a lot about it. He had attended social functions there and sampled the food, which is excellent.

4. HIGHLIGHT SERVICES. Just the thought of moving upset my father-in-law. Dad had lived alone for years and didn't enjoy cooking. When we told him he wouldn't have to cook for himself his face lit up. "Good," he declared. He would have a complete kitchen in case he wanted to prepare meals.

5. GET A FLOOR PLAN. The assisted living community provided us with a floor plan. This plan helped Dad envision himself in a new place. Having the plan helped us to decide, with input from Dad, where to place his furniture. It also helped us to decide which furniture to keep.

6. SORT GOODS. My sister-in-law, one of the most organized people on the planet, did most of the sorting. Things were sorted into groups: large furniture, small furniture, kitchen things (dishes, silverware, pots and pans), books, antique books, photographs, linens, and artwork.

7. HIRE AN APPRAISER. A professional appraiser will help you determine selling prices and prevent family disagreements. Our appraiser divided Dad's things into two sub-groups, sell and give-away. He completed his work in two hours and it was a revelation. Some of the things we thought were valuable weren't and some of the things we thought were junk turned out to be valuable.

8. GIVE THINGS TO FAMILY. Though my father-in-law grieved as his home was dismantled, he found comfort in giving things to his sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Keep a list of who gets what to avoid trouble later.

9. HIRE A MOVER. The assisted living community was close to the condo, so we were able to move many things ourselves. We hired a professional mover to move large furniture. To help Dad find things we put sticky notes (dishes, silverware, shirts, etc.) on doors and drawers.

10. MONITOR YOUR LOVED ONE'S HEALTH. Dad was never really happy in his new apartment, probably because the stroke continued to spread. There was too much space for Dad to worry about. After Dad walked into the wrong apartment (he was looking for towels) and exhibited other unsocial behavior, we consulted with staff and family. The collective decision - move Dad to a lower floor where his health and medications would be monitored.

Dad's new apartment is really a large room and overlooks a charming park. I put his dining table and chairs in front of the window. A wooden screen divides the sleeping area from the living area. Just before Dad walked in the door I put a bouquet of fresh flowers on the table. "This is really nice!" Dad exclaimed. His words were music to my ears.

Copyright 2006 by Harriet Hodgson